


I'm Still Having Nightmares

by fvnwithgvns



Category: All Time Low (Band)
Genre: M/M, Nightmares, Rape, Rape/Non-con Elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-05
Updated: 2018-02-05
Packaged: 2019-03-13 21:51:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13579620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fvnwithgvns/pseuds/fvnwithgvns
Summary: It wasn't rape. He didn't say no. Rape was what happened to girls who were dragged kicking and screaming and forced against their will.Or, Alex is still having nightmares.





	I'm Still Having Nightmares

**Author's Note:**

> Major trigger warning for rape. Keep yourselves safe  
> xoalex

The man’s hands grip Alex’s skinny jean-clad hips. He tugs, pushing Alex’s hips against his own. “Let’s get out of here,” he whispers, his breath hot and heavy against Alex’s ear.

 

“I don’t--I’m not, I have to wait for my friends,” Alex feebly protests. The 18-year-old managed to sneak all of them into a bar as a celebration of their EP dropping. Alex hasn’t had that much to drink, but he knows this man is almost old enough to be his father, at least in his mid-fourties. Alex isn’t even the slightest bit interested. 

 

“Your  friends can leave on their own. You wanna be a big boy and sneak into bars? Be a fucking big boy.” Alex doesn’t even question how the man knew he wasn’t of legal age until he turn around and looks him dead in the eyes.

 

It’s the bouncer. He must of known their IDs were fake but let them through anyway. He had this planned, and now Alex sees no way out. Either he agrees to go with this man or they get busted, big time. 

 

“Now, are you gonna come with me or what?” the man’s grip tightens, fingers digging into Alex’s sharp hipbones.

 

Alex nods, fear settling deep in his stomach.

 

Alex follows the man out of the bar. He has no choice, does he? He has to take one for the team so Rian and Jack and Zack can keep getting into this bar and they can keep celebrating. He’s sacrificing a little for his friends. That’s what you do, isn’t it? That’s what you do for your friends.

 

The man hails a taxi, pushing Alex into it before he has time to protest. He doesn’t want this, he doesn’t, but he’s doing it anyway.

 

_This isn’t a big deal, Alex. You’re not saying no. You’re not kicking and screaming. It’s just sex._

 

The man climbs in the taxi next to Alex, resting a hand on the (much) younger boy’s leg. He grabs it, fingers digging into the soft skin there. “C’mon,” he whispers, slurring a little, “Touch me.”

 

Alex swallows hard and runs a hand up his thigh. He closes his eyes and tries to pretend this is someone else, some other time when he’s wanted it. But no matter what, he won’t touch his feeling for Jack. Those are staying far away from this disgusting act. He rubs the man’s clothed dick, already half hard under his touch. The man (Alex realizes he doesn’t even know this person’s name and they’re about to have sex) moans, a low, guttural sound. Almost animalistic.

 

The reach a shabby apartment fairly shortly, though the ride seems to take a million years in Alex’s mind. As soon as they cross the threshold, the man pulls Alex into a rough, open-mouthed kiss. He tastes like whiskey and cigarettes in an unbrushed mouth. Alex wants to be sick.

 

The man leads Alex to the bedroom, unbuttoning his own shirt as they go. He pulls it off, kicking off his shoes, and breaks the kiss to pull Alex’s tee off.

 

“I really don’t want to…” Alex starts, one last-ditch attempt to get out of this situation.

 

“Shut up.” The man grabs Alex’s thin wrists, pinning them behind his back. He shoves Alex to the bed, still keeping a firm grip on his wrists. He climbs on top of Alex, kissing and grinding. Alex whimpers, a pitiful noise out of his control. The man is hot and heavy on top of him, pinning him to the bed. He sits up, straddling Alex’s hips, and unbuckles his belt, discarding it. “Why am I doing all the fucking work here? Don’t be a pillow princess.”

 

Alex bites his lip, hard enough to almost draw blood, and pops open the button on the man’s jeans. The man leans down again, allowing Alex to pull them all the way off. He reciprocates the action, pulling Alex’s jeans and boxers. He palms Alex’s still soft dick, sending a disgusted feeling down Alex’s body that settles in his stomach. It’s almost a guilty feeling, like he’s the one in the wrong here.

 

He remembers in 5th grade when he got in trouble for drawing in his math textbook and he felt so guilty he threw up.

 

He swallows the bile in his throat and continues to kiss the man, a clash of teeth and tongues. There’s nothing soft about this, no love in this act. Contrary to popular belief, Alex has only done this a couple times before, and both times he’s gone this far have been with people he (at least thought) he really loved. This is a different act entirely.

 

To make it worse, he’s never bottomed.

 

The man pulls off his boxers, grinding his cock against Alex’s. The friction makes Alex groan involuntarily, only adding to the guilt. Half of him says he should shut up and enjoy it, the other half says there’s nothing about this that is, or ever will be, enjoyable. Either way he’s going to feel guilty.

 

“There you go,” the man says, grinding down harder. “You’re enjoying this. Don’t try to pretend like you’re not.”

 

The man sits up again, reaching for the pocket of his discarded jeans. Alex hears the crinkle of foil and it sends another nervous jolt down his spine.

 

He feels the blunt tip of the man’s cockhead pressing at his hole. Any fleeting hopes of lube or prep go out the window. And then the man is pushing in and it’s sending jolts of pain through Alex’s spine, a dull throb in the bottom of his back. He bottoms out and it hurts so bad, it feels like he’s being split apart and Alex wants to scream and cry and make this _end._

Instead he digs his nails into his palm and squeezes his eyes shut. He won’t cry. He can’t. Crying is weak, and he’s not weak.

 

The first thrust is pure agony. The pain in Alex’s lower back gets worse, combined with pain in his ass and it’s knives and fire and he can barely take it any longer.

 

“Fuck, you’re so tight,” the man moans above him with a particularly hard thrust that makes Alex cry out. “Bet you’re a virgin. A tight little virgin.”

 

Once again Alex has to swallow bile rising in his throat.

 

The man’s hip jackknife against Alex’s, causing tears to well up in his eyes. He tries his hardest to not let them out, but eventually they slip, running silently down his cheeks. The man ignores them as his thrusts become more erratic, finally finishing with a grunt.

 

“Get dressed,” he orders as soon as he rolls off Alex. “I can’t be seen with a whore like you.”

 

Alex is all too happy to comply, pulling on his clothes and practically running out of the man’s apartment.

 

He walks the twelve blocks to where their van is parked, climbing inside it and praying his bandmates are asleep.

 

***

 

Alex and Jack get together in early 2012, while recording _Don’t Panic._ It’s a long time coming, considering they’ve both harbored feelings for each other since high school. Rian and Zack are supportive, happy to see their two best friends happy.

 

Alex has tried for years to forget that night, but it comes up every time someone touches him without warning or tries to make a move. And it comes up nearly every night in his nightmares.

 

He doesn’t know why it’s affecting him the way it is. It was just a stupid thing that happened when he was a teenager. He’s 24 now, in a successful band with his best friends, and in a relationship with the man he loves. He has everything he’s ever wanted, so why is it still controlling him?

 

Then comes the first night Alex and Jack share a bed. Sure, they’ve all messed around and shared bunks and beds before, but not for an entire night. It’s a hotel night, and they decided to get three rooms instead of the usual four.

 

Everything is fine at first. Alex and Jack cuddle up, whispering “I love you”s and falling asleep pressed against each other.

 

_“Bet you’re a virgin. A tight little virgin.”_

_The pain, oh God, the pain, splitting him open and forever dirtying him._

Alex wakes up screaming. “Stoptouchingmestoptouchingmestop!” tears are rolling down his cheeks and he’s thrashing against the bed.

 

Jack wakes with a start. “Alex?”

 

 _You’re not there._ Alex manages to take a few shaky breaths, Jack’s voice drawing him out of his nightmare. It takes him a minute to realize what’s going on, and then the panic hits. Jack’s going to know. He’s going to find out the secret Alex has kept for nearly six years.

 

“’Lex, what’s going on? Talk to me, are you okay?” Jack’s voice is full of concern. “Did you have a nightmare?”

 

Alex nods, brushing tears off his cheeks.

 

“What happened?”

 

Alex swallows hard. It’s now or never.

 

“Remember that club we went to right after we released _The Party Scene_? I was 18, and I snuck us in with those stupid fake IDs.”

 

“Yeah. I got so fucking hammered that night, and we couldn’t find you until morning. Why?”

 

Alex continues to take shaky breaths, trying to calm himself down enough to tell the story. “I went home with this guy. He was in his mid-fourties. The bouncer. He made me go with him, said he knew our IDs were fake and he’d bust us otherwise.”

 

“Alex, did he…” Jack can’t bring himself to finish the sentence.

 

“I didn’t want to.” Alex looks Jack dead in the eyes, tears falling down his cheeks. “He didn’t care.”

 

“So he…he raped you.”

 

“No! It’s not like that. It can’t be, Jack, that’s when guys drug up girls and drag them kicking and screaming. That’s nothing like what happened to me. It just hurt. A lot. That’s why it was bad.”

 

“’Lex, you didn’t want it. That’s rape.”

 

Alex says nothing, just presses into Jack’s chest and cries.

 

After a few minutes Jack breaks the silence. “Is that why you don’t—why we haven’t had sex?”

 

Alex nods. “I haven’t done anything since then. I can’t. I’m disgusting, I can’t have anyone see me or touch me without thinking about it.”

 

“I understand. If that ever changes, tell me. If not, I’m okay with that too. Whatever makes you comfortable.”

 

Alex laughs. “How did I get so lucky?”

 

Jack kisses Alex’s nose. “I love you.”

 

“I love you too.” Alex falls asleep with Jack rubbing small circles into his back, telling him he’s safe and okay.

 

His nightmares aren’t nearly as bad from then on.


End file.
